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Funny Quotes is the page where you can check out some actual words from the most funniest famous people. Its sure  to make you laugh and say, "Why didn't I think of that?"
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.  I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

Stupid Laws

It's the Law in New York:

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.    
   
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.     
   
Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.

A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

In New Jersey:

It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.     

It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.     

You may not slurp your soup.    

All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.     

No one may annoy someone of the opposite sex.     

You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.     

It's the Law in ConnecticuT:

You may not educate dogs.

It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.    

It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.     

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
 

Don't worry about senility, when it hits you, you won't know it! 
-Bill Cosby

You can teach an old dog new tricks.  You just don't want to see the dog doing them.
-Bill Cosby

I'm all for equal rights for wome, honey, it's about time! But some women got to be told, equals rights ain't got nothing to do with your neighbors husband. 
-Lawanda Page

"These will be perfect for you," the ophthalmologist said when he fitted me for trifocals.  "In the top band of the glasses you can see things far away.  In the middle band, you can see things about fifty yards away.  And on the bottom one you can read you medicine."
-Bill Cosby

If you keep doing what you always did, you'll keep gettin' what you always got.
-Moms Mabley

I'm very fond of colored people, in fact a colored lady raised me. 
-Flip Wilson

Quotes From The Legendary Bert Williams

The only thing we know about death is dat it's always fatal.
De only way tuh keep a lie from gittin' foun' out is tuh stop tellin' it.

Don't loaf 'round de corners an' 'pend on de Lord fuh yo' daily bread.  De Lord ain't runnin' no bakery.

In dis big worl', if all de rascals whut's 'sposed tuh be gent'mens had a halter 'roun' dare neck, rope would be wuth a whole lot mo'n whut it is.

It's alright tuh stick tuh facts but some folks sticks tuh'um so close dat dey makes fools out a dey sef."  I knows a man, ef you wuz tuh talk tuh him 'bout Jacob's Ladder he'd wanter know how many steps twuz in it.

Ole man Shotesberry lived eighty years wid one foot in de grave.  I knows lots of em kind.  Jes' like cranes-rests better on one foot.

A man ought never git drunk 'bove de neck.

We all oughter live so, dat when a knock comes at yo' do', widout yo' con'shuns hurtin' one pit, you kin throw yo' head back an' holler, "Come in."

Who wuz it said dat one half de mis'ry in de worl' wuz caused by men whut drinks an' women whut can't cook?  Yea, verily.

Some men never learns whut a good name dey had 'til dey loses it.

"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up."
- Dean Martin

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy."
- Fred Allen

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."
- Robin Williams

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
- Henry Youngman

"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."
- NF Simpson

"I drink therefore I am."
- WC Fields

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
- Mark Twain

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
- Dave Barry

"I drink to make other people interesting."
- George Jean Nathan

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign)

"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country."
- Clint Eastwood

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it."
- Rex Reed

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
- Gary Cooper (on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind.").

"Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award."
- Billy Wilder

"How did I get to Hollywood? By train."
- John Ford

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
- Yakov Smirnoff

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."
- Bob Hope

"Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done."
- Ernie Kovacs

"We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday."
- Dennis Norden

"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."
- Joan Rivers

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"
- Samuel Goldwyn.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
- Charlie Brown

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."
- Robin Williams

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
- Jim Carey

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
- Alfred Hitchcock

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
- Peter O'Toole.

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
- Bob Hope

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
- Woody Allen

"Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs."
- Alfred Hitchcock

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman

From the book Disorder in the Court, these are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters - who had  the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
 
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your  memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
 
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
 
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August  8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
 A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.  Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a Pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law  somewhere.