Have you ever been annoyed by your friend?  Want to let a few things off your chest about your Family?  Well, now you can do it!  The Live Theatre Gang presents the 1^st Annual Complain-athon!  This is your chance to rant about the things that most annoy you, disgust you or even just confuses the crap out of you!  Bring a date along and tell them that their breath has been the reason you never call… Bring your cousin along and remind him about why you never loan him money!  It’s all in fun and everyone needs a little therapy, so join LTG and complain!

If you can’t wait for the show, just drop us a complaint now!

complainathon@livetheatregang.com

Here Are Your Complaints

Eric Complains:

You can't go to a bakery and get a Twinkie.  Why is that?  I mean to me a pastry's a pastry.  I would figure a Twinkie from a bakery is better than a Twinkie from a bodega.  A Twinkie in hand is worth two in the wrapper.  A fat guy told me that once.  No matter how educated people get we will always do things that aren't good for us.  Eating junk food, eating fast food, smoking, watching The Bachelor.  It's an addiction, or maybe it's a routine, we're creatures of habit so we're gonna do the same things over again.  With all that we know- and even with what is accepted behavior- it's amazing that I recently saw a woman smoking while pregnant.  "I'm trying to quit," she said.  Well try a little harder, I guess it all comes full circle: that kid's gonna come out weighing about as much as a Twinkie, without a fighting chance to choose what vices will kill him. On the other hand, if she how've eaten Twinkies through her whole pregnancy he'd come out weighing about as much as the oxygen tank he's gonna have to lug around the sandbox.  They'll be feeding him his bottle through a whole in his throat.  He'll use a tracheotomy to cry.  That kid'll be so premature she'll give birth into a Petri dish.  But at least he'll be so small he can sleep in an empty pack of cigarettes on the dresser.  You don't want that kid taking up too much room in the trailer.  I'm not saying they're white trash but his mom is his aunt.  Somehow I think I veered off course...right, junk food, smoking, The Bachelor.  People sell cigarettes in the street now, because the price is too high.  Smokers are dedicated, they could charge $3,000 pack and people still wouldn't quit.  Just work a little harder, or wheeze a little harder.  Probably both.  You can't smoke in bars.  But why do people go to bars, to drink and sleep with strangers, they're not trying to do anything unhealthy.  You can't smoke in elevators, and if there's one group of people who need to take the elevator...You can't smoke in a hospital, but if you're a doctor you can smoke out front.  Of course they're just drumming up business.  Blowing smoke into the faces of passersby and saying things like: "I think you need to have that cough checked out." Welcoming those new patients in with a little second hand smoke.  Why doctor, what do you specialize in? "I'm a respiratory surgeon," he says as a trail of smoke bellows out from behind his yellow teeth.  How can a doctor smoke?  Does he know something I don't? He must, all smokers must.  Think about it, doctors smoke cigarettes, intellects smoke pipes, rich people smoke cigars,  I think there's something to it cause the only people who dip tobacco are rednecks, and toothless failures.  I used to have an aunt that chewed tobacco, she was from the deep south, and she would hawk that mangled brown gooey mess into the bathroom sink, I still have nightmares.  It looked like a pile of wet Snuffalufagus.  Speaking of which...nobody does snuff anymore, everybody that did is dead now.  They're not all snuff related deaths, some of them died from wearing powdered wigs...right, back on course, junk food, smoking, The Bachelor.  A truly great American triforce.  Bad food, bad TV, and a bad hacking cough.  I saw a guy once eating a bacon double cheeseburger and smoking, the guy was like a general leading an attack on his heart.  "Those mild heart attacks aren't good enough for me," he said, "I wanna see God." And he did, not from smoking or the burger, the guy got hit by a car.  The driver was trying to rush home to catch the series finale of The Bachelor.

2. We live in an esthetic culture.  Looks are very, very, very important.  It's a status symbol, though it means nothing. If the outer person's ugly the inner person's ugly too.  There's not this fairytale conflict of human spirits: the outer person's Quasi Motto but the inner person's a supermodel.  Whatever gets you through the day.  I'm sure the inner person's walking runways in Milan.  We all wanna get in touch with the inner person but there are things in the way like a unibrow, and big yellow bucked teeth, a hairy mole and excyma.  Hopefully you'll find somebody ugly and the two of you can be ugly together.      Oh wait I can't say ugly, Esthetically Challenged.  I hope you turn into a beautiful swan, or a least an undiseased pigeon.  I mean it doesn't work like that, there's beautiful people with beautiful spirits, and ugly people with ugly spirits and politicians with no spirits.  Look inside a politician for the inner person, you'll find a corporate exec with a suitcase full of money.  That's pretty ugly.  Maybe ugly is just natural selection at work.  Never thought I would be quoting Darwin, but...maybe ugly or esthetic challenges is just a way to wean out the feeble in the species.  Maybe bad looks is considered a weakness.  If we were in the wild and we were being preyed upon but another animal would the ugly people get away?  Scottie Pippen would, he's pretty athletic.  So I guess looks don't affect how fast you can run, but maybe they do affect who wants to reproduce with who.  Isn't that what it's all about?  And maybe that's a modern version of natural selection.  And maybe we're just vein mindless shallow fools who's guilt ridden angst caused us to create a beautiful inner person to offset an unattainable sense of beauty.  And maybe some people are butt ugly.  And maybe the inner person is esthetically challenged too, who really knows.  People like to look at things that look good.  They're always talking about this decision, who decides?  We do. We decide what we want to see on those magazine covers that you claim you hate even though you have a giant stack of them in your apartment.  Leafing through them and sobbing while you eat fat free frozen yogurt.  Professing that nobody really looks like that.  Really? No.  Nobody really looks like that? Really? Those are implants? Huh? She doesn't look like that when she gets up in the morning, really? You don't look like that when you get up in the morning, that's why you go out.  Because you've met your own approval or the approval of the people who are already out.  Which is really who you're trying to impress, you don't care about the people who are in.  Who needs them? If they knew anything they wouldn't be in the house. I wanna see you go out of the house the way you look in the morning.  Leave the house and not care what you look like.  There are people who go out of the house not caring about their looks...they all have inner beauty.   

________________________________________________________________________

Basketball games have double overtime.  That's stupid.  You can only have one overtime.  You can't be overtime then overtime again.  When you're overtime, you're over time.  Just play until the game is over.  

What's the difference between a burp and a belch?  There's no difference.  They're the same thing. There's two words for burp and one word for fart, I don't understand this language.  

I found out that there is a tax on airline tickets called the September 11 Security Tax.  So now I have to fear for my life and pay for it.  I don't think we should be paying for security, if I go to a club I don't pay extra if there's a bouncer there.

Why do they even bother with the courtroom sketch artist?  Like we really care what's going on inside the courtroom.  I understand the point of a stenographer because the stenographer is documenting everything that was said in the whole case.  You might need to make reference to something that was said.  It makes sense.  But nobody refers to a facial expression.  "You weren't paying attention and I can prove it!!"  

Today I was going into a building, right, and just as I was about to go in, I was holding the door and this guy walks out.  Then he looks me in the eye and says thank you.  I was like for what, I wasn't holding that door for you.  That open door was for me, and you stole it.  And assumed I wanted you to thank me for it.  I don't want your thank yous in fact you owe me an apology.

You ever been in a conversation with somebody and they tell you a story that's not going anywhere?  And you're feigning interest? And they get to the end and they're like, "I guess you had to be there."  I hate that! If you knew I had to be there to enjoy it, why did you tell me? Why didn't you invite me along?  But then another person comes to join you and they tell the story again to them with you standing right there.  As if you didn't here the first time.  Now you have to sit through this unfulfilling story twice.  Thanks for nothing.  Don't use me to test out your material.  You got a date this weekend so you wanna make sure all your anecdotes are funny.  And while we're on the subject I can't stand those people!

Certain people have been misusing the word 'so'.  Saying things like: "I so did not" or "I'm so gonna be late" or "That's so not cool." You know who you are, please stop. It's so annoying.   Stop copying Friends, that show isn't even that funny.  People watch that show and they want those lives.  Just because they date a lot and say cool catch phrases.  People want to like that.  They'll copy anything that's on TV.  I'm gonna have a show called Chicken in my Pants and I'm gonna have a chicken in my pants and say cool catch phrases like, "I so have a chicken in my pants."  And I bet some wanna be downtown hipsters start walking around with a chicken in their pants.  Those are the same people who find something funny but don't laugh, instead they say "that is so funny".  You tell them a joke and they go, "that is so funny."  What is that? Don't patronize me if you didn't think it was funny, don't laugh stop playing mind games.  Using circular logic, "but I did find it funny. It was so funny." No you didn't! If you found it funny you would've laughed.  I never heard an audience full of people yell out, "that is so funny".  Not even on Friends.  Which by the way it's about time that show ended.  Nobody maintains a friendship that long, living across the hall from each other, eventually somebody moves out.  Unless you're gay there's no reason to have a roommate your whole life.  
___________________________________________________________

One isn't enough, so how about two
(1) I hate where I live, it's just this small town that drives me nuts when I look out the window. 
(2) I am way too broke!!!!  Check this, I can go on and on.... I'm married....
___________________________________________________________

Eric Complains:

I saw a guy panhandling in front of a McDonalds next to a sign that said "Now Hiring" and people still gave him money.  We have to draw the line somewhere, cause we all know that that guy could've walked in and gotten a job.  McDonalds has no standards, you don't have to read and write, or know math yo work at McDonalds, you don't have to smell good, you don't even have to own clothes cause they supply the uniform.  So a cop passing by starts hassling the guy tries to make him leave.  The guy of course refused, so the cop wrote the guy a ticket.  I went into Barnes and Noble and when I came out an hour later the guy was still there, right next to the "Now Hiring" sign.  The cop comes back and asked the guy what he was still doing there.  He said, "I'm trying to pay off the ticket." Which brings me to my complaint: New York City.  They're writing tickets these days for anything.  Now I know it's illegal to panhandle, even if you use a hat or a cup.  But nowadays you don't even have free parking on Sundays.  You can't stand too long in front of a turnstile on the subway so be careful when you see this message- please swipe again, please swipe again, swipe again at this turnstile- if you do you'll get a ticket for loitering.  A pregnant lady was sitting down to rest one day and got a ticket for vagrancy.  Businesses are getting tickets for having too many things on their awnings.  Those laws, whether they're old or new have nothing to do with maintaining any type of order, it's just about viable business.  It's already expensive enough to live in New York City.  Now people are be thrown out of their apartments because they raised the rent, college students are forced to leave school because CUNY raised the tuition, and sales tax just went up.  Do you know where all this is leading?  New York is becoming a place for "the rich and the homeless".  It sounds like the title to some weird soap opera.  And where's the middle class in all of this?  In the middle of the unemployment line.  But nobody's protesting, nobody's rioting, people are looting but that's because the crime rate went up.  I'm disappointed in you New Yorkers, what happened to the character, the attitude, the don't take crap from no one lifestyle.  If you ask me New Yorkers are wusses.  Instead of sticking it to the man, the man is sticking you.  Like some kind of domestic violence situation where you keep running back to the person who's abusing you because you think they take care of you.  New Yorkers have no spine, just like the guy in front of the McDonalds that people were giving money to even though they knew he could be fine on his own. 
_________________________________________________________________________________

One day while riding on the train, I saw the guy who works at the bodega in my neighborhood.  This dude makes me sandwiches every day.  And they're quite good, I'm not opposed to eating sandwiches from the bodega.  So anyway, I see the guy and he sees me, but I didn't say hello to him.  So the next day I go into get my usual and the guy is all bent out of shape.  "How could you not say hello! You sawed me standing there's on the train.  You not say hello? You think you're better than me?  Get out of my store!"  So I was like you didn't say hello to me! What's up with that? Why do people go so crazy over a greeting? What's the big deal? Are you that starved for attention that you need to be recognized by everyone you know at every second? I should just start randomly calling people and saying hi.  And that's the other thing I don't get, the "just to say hi" call.  Somebody said that to me once, you were in town why didn't you stop by just to say hi. I'm like why didn't you, why didn't you track me down, come find me where ever I am and say hello.  Why doesn't it work with goodbyes? No one ever says I was leaving town and I just wanted to say goodbye, that seems a little more realistic, cause you might not be coming back.  Just calling to say goodbye.
________________________________________________________________________________

The way I see it, no one in this country has the right to enforce any laws.  They shouldn't have any laws in America.  None! I should be allowed to kill people if I want to.  Because the very same governing bodies that make these laws tries to kill me.  They sell me cigarettes and alcohol and junk food and tell me it'll kill me and sell it to me anyway.  And if I drink too much of the liquor that you sold me and go out and run a bunch of people over I could get the death penalty and be executed by the very same people who said I shouldn't kill people.  The dichotomy alone could make someone go crazy.  Crazy enough to...
_________________________________________________________________________________

Why are there so many different types of bottled water?  There's like 50 different types.  And they have the nerve to say one brand tastes better than the other.  Huh?!  And we believe them! And by one type of water and stay loyal to our brand cause if we switch brands we'll have to adjust to a whole new flavor.  That water could be coming from the Evian factory toilet and we wouldn't know the difference.  It could be the sweat of the hairy armed pongid that's working in the factory.  And we'd all guzzle it down on a sunny day, mmmm delicious, sweaty toilet water, nothing like it.  I like my toilet water carbonated so I drink Perrier.  It's so smooth and refreshing then I use the restroom and return the Perrier to nature.  Where it belongs, the porcelin bowl of an American Standard.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Craig Complains:

Why do people hang up when you switch to the other line to take a call.  Is it that hard to wait? You click back over and no one's there.  So you click back and then you click back, Hello? Hello? HELLO? No one.  It's frustrating.  I always wait for the person to come back, no matter how long the wait is, just to say goodbye.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Some banks charge you to put money in them.  Then they charge you when you spend your money and say they do it to help you save your money.  Once I had a negative balance and they charged me.  Where are they taking the money from?  If it's that arbitrary why don't you just credit me money.  I'd never owe you anything.  I mean you see how I manage my money, you know I'm broke, why charge me extra?  That's why I use the Bank of Sock and Mattress.  Free checking, no monthly fees, no minimum balance.  Only sometimes my money stinks.  But it's still good!
__________________________________________________________________________________

Bed-Stuy, the infamous Brooklyn ghetto, has a bed and breakfast.  Which to me is wonderful in a way.  Cause I definitely support black businesses.  But when I think of bed and breakfast, and place where I go to relax I don't think of Bed-Stuy.  Could you imagine people wanting to leaving the crazy hustle and bustle of the city to go to Brooklyn.  Or people coming from out of town to see some beautiful scenery and being stuck across the street from the projects.  That's what I call romantic.  It's like out of an Emily Dickinson novel or something.  Everyone out there has my personal recommendation to go see the lighter side of the hood and stay at the only bed and breakfast in Bed-Stuy.  It's almost like you're in the country.  Almost.  The sound of car alarms can lull you to sleep.  Wake up to the early to sound of birds, well chicken heads, singing or yelling in the street.  Police sirens, fighting, even gun shots help create the perfect cornucopia for a relaxing weekend. I encourage anyone enterprising individuals out there to start up a bed and breakfast of their own.  You don't need a fancy house, even if you have an apartment, a co-op, a condo, a studio, if you're renting a room turn it into a bed and breakfast.  Even if it's Pop Tarts on a sleeping bag it's still a bed and breakfast.  By golly, in these United States of America you have the right to operate your bed and breakfast where ever you see fit. Cause it's not just a bed and it's not just breakfast, it's a bed and breakfast.  And that's clever.  Good work.  Maybe next you'll have lunch and a nap, dinner and a movie, chicken and beer.  Whatever.  God bless you for trying.
_________________________________________________________________________________