Here Are Some Jokes of The Day, There Are More Then Seven... One For Each Day and Next Week Too. Ha Ha to you!
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Barbie Joke...
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much
is
that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
The assistant replies, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for
$25.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $25.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for
$25.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $25.95, and Divorced Barbie for $495.00"
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
"That's obvious," the assistant says, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Q: Which Search Engine does Arnold Schwarzenegger use?
A: Alta Vista baby.
Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger...
A movie producer had called together several big name celebs to kick some
ideas around. The project was an action docu-drama about famous composers
featuring Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger in the leading roles.
The producer really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and was
prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play
him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."
Things were going well; the producers were pleased.
"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach." replied Arnold.
Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie?
A: It's called, "Honey, I Married the Kids".
Q: What did Haley Joel Osment find on the top of Mt. Everest?
A: Icey dead people.
They took a survey of 10,000 women in Washington DC, and asked "Would you
have sex with Bill Clinton?"
86% said "Never again".
Q: Why did McCauley Culkin get married?
A: He was tired of being home alone.
An elderly woman wanted to do
something different for her husband on his birthday. That evening she told
him she was going out to buy a negligee. He anxiously awaited her return.
Before going to bed that night, the old woman went to the bathroom to put
the negligee on, but she decided not to. She came out of the bathroom
stark naked and said "what do you think?"... "I think you should have
irond it first"
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Three more of the
Worst Pick Up Lines:
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch away.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and
staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks
the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it
appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served
additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The
drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off
the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the
same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar
and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely -
but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and
again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment
angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while
grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts
in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes
over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called
immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Weds Joke
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida, his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him
there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife
a quick email, unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written
her email address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately,
he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the
sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen.....
DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy;
the barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a
fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money." How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The
barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing
with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his
business."
The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and
takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there,
an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector
nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then
proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare
chest. Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this
infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to
grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his
armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the
manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had
seen. "That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in
the morning when he makes the donuts!"
Read each of the following lines out loud.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared.
Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said,
"Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world
countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish.
So...What'll it be?" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be
remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other
stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this
map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie
looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These
people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT
good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my
wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They
think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the
most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's
what I want." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map
again."
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George sends us this oldie but goodie
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The
night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question
on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the
studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the
best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know
that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000
dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the
crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question
on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer
either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always
easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now
becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was
drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played
it safe. "I'll try the easier part first." The M.C. nodded approvingly.
"Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first
half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation. "Bob, here is your
question: And in what year did it happen?"
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the
two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic
cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the
square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the
second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately,
the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes
back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second
guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time,
he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is
almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time
and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No,
the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. All this was driving his golfing partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here."
In Florida, a 90-year-old man just won $16
million dollars in a state lottery. The 90-year-old says he will use the
money to set up a charitable foundation to help him remember where he left
his pants.
The other day in Alabama, a 42-year-old
woman married a 14-year-old boy. Apparently, the marriage caused a huge
controversy in Alabama because they're not even related.
A Ukrainian man castrated himself after his
bid to be elected mayor ended in humiliation. He got less than one hundred
votes. He asked for a recount and the doctor said, 'They're both gone.'
Three couples went to
a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on
the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink
beer and fart!
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral
procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows
his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks
up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was
touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I
guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts
yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The
driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was
an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid
goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the
kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles
and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? If it was
invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".
A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive
100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100
mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that
he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his
girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and
one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas
station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.'
'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get
help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station.
She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm
sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'
Five of the Worst Pickup Lines:
1. You should be cloned because I just can't get enough of you and I'm not
just cloning around.
2. That nose job didn't go very well but it gives you character.
3. So did you hear they're making dollars with four quarters these days.
4. Here's your free breadsticks.
5. You are a little older than I am use to but can I buy you a
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What has 18 legs and catches
things?
Answer: A baseball team
Sent in From
S. Rayburn
Alaska
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An escaped convict broke into a house
and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he
had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the
bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman
in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with
you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that
way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the
driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling
him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do
with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull
the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls
over. The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all
around the road back there. Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, officer," says the
driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the
patch."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later,
Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell
me what you see" Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars" "What
does that tell you?" enquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear
day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then
spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to
get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another
hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's
back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm
going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way
up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for
5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about
the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were
all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside
answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on
the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind
not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"
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Legendary Bert Williams
Queried about his thoughts on being a Negro in America, the laconic, ever
tactful Ziegfeld Follies star Bert Williams replied, "It's no disgrace to be
colored, but it is verfy inconvient."
Monday
An old colored lady was injured in a railway accident, and someone urged her to
sue for damages. "Lord knows, I done got nuff damages," she said. "What I'm
gwine sue fuh is repairs."
Tuesday
"So, you say yo' name is Goodbar. Is you any relation to Cornelius Goodbar?"
"Very distunt, very distunt, suh. I wuz my mammy's fus' chile an' Cornelius
wuz de sebenteenth. Dat's de way uv it."
Wednesday
De man ask his friend, "Did you git down on yo' knees when you proposed to Miss
Emmaline de yuther night?" De friend say, "I couldn't, man-she was settin' on 'em."
Thursday
He had been very cranky on the trip to New York and as the train was pulling
into Grand Central Station he asked the porter, "Shall I get off at this end of
the car?" "Why, uh, you kin suit yo'self, suh," the porter said. "Bofe ends
stops."
Friday
Spruce Bigby said to his wife one night, rather suspicious like, "Look heah,
honey, did you wash dis heah fish 'fo you baked it?" His wife answered, "Whut's
de matter wid you, man? You crazy? Who ever hered tell a washin' a fish. Ain't
he done lived all his lifetime in de water?"
Saturday
When Bruce Bigby became the father of twins, the wooden-legged preacher stopped
by to congratulate him. "Well, Bruthuh Bigby, I heah dat de Lord has smiled on
you." "You's heared wrong," Spruce said, "de Lord's done laughed out loud!"
Sunday
The family Susie cooked for moved out to the West Coast to live. They took
Susie with them. After they had been there some months, she said to her madam,
"I spec' I'm goin' to be able to stay out here, Miss Em'ly. You see, de colored
folks out here ain't de same. They's mo' like de Hawaiians or de Indians an',
you see, I'se always been used to de pu're Angle Saxon
type."
Last Weeks Jokes
Monday's Joke
You may not know this but the world's first smile button was created by Leonardo Da Vinci. It featured a picture of the Mona Lisa and the words, "Have A Nice Renaissance."
Tuesday's Joke
I think if there is life up there it must be intelligent. We've been looking for the past twenty years and still haven't seen one TV antenna.
Wednesday's Joke
Do you know what would happen if there were no UFO sightings? The National Enquirer would have to start printing facts.
Thursday's Joke
What I want to know is, is there life on other planets---and can they spare some change?
Friday's Joke
Ever find yourself with nothing to do? Stop in at one of those adult novelty stores, and every time they show you something, yell, "No! Bigger!"
Saturday's Joke
If you're over 40, do yourself a favor and stay out of discos. At that age it not dancing, it committing suicide one bone at a time.
Sunday's Joke
If you think preservatives don't affect people body chemistry, just remember...before the Jolly Green Giant started pushing vegetables, he was a 4'9" albino.
